skeletons.

I used to have a best friend.  A guy.  We were really close.  I loved him.  He was one of my favorite people.  Then things changed.  People talk a lot when a girl and a guy are close.  And people talked about us.  "Oh you guys are so close.  Maybe it's more..."  And so I guess I played with those thoughts.  But they were never real for me.  Then I made the mistake of mentioning them.  I made a play for his attention and I won.  Because he always loved me.  And he never loved her the same way.  And things grew.  And there were more questions.  And I got more wrapped up in the feeling of being the most important person to someone....even if I didn't share that feeling for him.  And people talked more.  And I somehow became the black widow.  I'm such an evil super power.  And so my heart turned black.  Things were already fucked.  And I talked a lot.  And I cried.  And I threw fits so he'd stay just as close to me as I needed him to be and he'd stop listening to everyone talk.  And I forgot that it was real for him.  And it was just a movie for me.  And I was in a starring role.  And it felt good.  Because people wanted to be me.  Because they wanted him.  But for once, it was mine.  And only mine.  I was in control.  So things got more strained.  I was completely drained of my life because this character I was playing was more than I could handle.  This personality had taken over.  Where was I?  And several times he played his trump hand...."I'm leaving you...it's too much."  But never for real.  Then things really changed.  I met other boys.  They piqued my attention.  It was fun again.  This other guy...my best friend...started to fade.  We hadn't been best friends for a while now.  It hurt for minute.  But nothing like I'd feared.  So I talked to him one more time....a kind of warning..."what if I dated someone else, would you want to know?"  Then it was over.  He disappeared.  Just like I always knew he would.  Just like the coward does.  Can't face the music?  Just turn it off then.  And I got angry.  And I threw bitter words at him.  That I know he read.  And I hope it hurt.  Because I did love him.  He was my best friend.  Screw romance, I could have stayed friends with him for a lifetime.  Why did you have to ruin things?  Why?  You and I, we were awesome.  But you just couldn't handle it?  I'm so mad at you I never want to see you or think about you again.  For the rest of my life.  But sadly, you couldn't stay gone forever.  And now you threaten to come back.  Just for a minute but back nonetheless.  And even if I don't HAVE to see you, I'll still be where you are.  Because we built two lives that intertwined here.  I cannot get rid of this anger.  It's ridiculous.  You made me lose faith in my friends.  I don't trust ANYONE now.  Thanks.  Thanks for being all I needed....to push me over the edge.  You really suck.  I hope you accidentally stumble across this one day and it shoves a dagger that you thought you removed right back into your still bleeding wounds.  I hope you hurt forever.  I hope you burn inside.  Because I do.

april fools life.

do you ever feel like it's all a big joke...life?  i'm here.  doing my thing.  for 2 years.  then, right before everything changes, things appear to align.  well, kinda.  i don't have much time left.  i'm not scared.  just nostalgic.  as much as i don't like it here, i do.  as many times as i feel like i'm in a dead end, i still wish the road would miraculously open up.  but maybe it will.  soon.  i pray.  kate lifted my spirits today.  things will be different.  but good.

god make me a bird...

Dear Lord. I hate my life right now. I know it sounds drastic. Your whole life? people ask. Well, maybe not all of it. But damn near close. I hate my job. I hate my city of residence. I hate my debt. I hate my mind. I hate feeling trapped. I wish I could feel better. I wish there was a glimmer of hope. But as long as I work for minimum pay in a shitty industry, there really isn't. I cannot get ahead. I just keep sitting at the exact same place month after month. Never gaining ground. And if I were paying ALL my loans right now, I would be slowly falling deeper into the hole. So while I can escape this city, I would love to. Give me all your cliches, the grass is always greener, your problems will follow you, blah blah blah. I never intended to stay here. Never. I never wanted to build a life here. I never wanted to be where I am now. I need to get out of Florida. I need a change. I need some help. Unfortunately, I don't have anyone on my side anymore.

it is Easter.

Happy Easter. Is anyone really stopping to think about what today represents? Even those of us who have significant faith based ties to this holiday forget what it is about. It should remind us that our faith is alive. That we have a relationship with a being, a man, a God that is active and moving with each step we take. I needed that reminder today. I need it everyday for that matter. Things are so difficult now. How did I get here? I write a lot in a journal. I'll probably just transfer some of that stuff here.

Church this morning....
Our Fear: We will be forgotten.
"Jesus - Remember me."

I want to erase a lot of the things I have done. And forget them. Stop reaping the consequences. Stop living the pain. This is unrealistic. I want to overcome my mistakes. I want to heal my heart. I want to move on. I want to change. I need to change.

Is your love conditional? That's how I feel. I keep acting like I don't care. I keep judging. I keep hating. I keep spitting insults. I keep ripping people apart. I keep hurting. Myself. You. Everyone. I have stopped caring about people. I have lost me heart. Again.

Emmanuel = God With Us.
Me: "Rescue me God. Pull me out."
God: "Let me into your life now, where you are. And I'll help you through this."