god make me a bird...

Dear Lord. I hate my life right now. I know it sounds drastic. Your whole life? people ask. Well, maybe not all of it. But damn near close. I hate my job. I hate my city of residence. I hate my debt. I hate my mind. I hate feeling trapped. I wish I could feel better. I wish there was a glimmer of hope. But as long as I work for minimum pay in a shitty industry, there really isn't. I cannot get ahead. I just keep sitting at the exact same place month after month. Never gaining ground. And if I were paying ALL my loans right now, I would be slowly falling deeper into the hole. So while I can escape this city, I would love to. Give me all your cliches, the grass is always greener, your problems will follow you, blah blah blah. I never intended to stay here. Never. I never wanted to build a life here. I never wanted to be where I am now. I need to get out of Florida. I need a change. I need some help. Unfortunately, I don't have anyone on my side anymore.

it is Easter.

Happy Easter. Is anyone really stopping to think about what today represents? Even those of us who have significant faith based ties to this holiday forget what it is about. It should remind us that our faith is alive. That we have a relationship with a being, a man, a God that is active and moving with each step we take. I needed that reminder today. I need it everyday for that matter. Things are so difficult now. How did I get here? I write a lot in a journal. I'll probably just transfer some of that stuff here.

Church this morning....
Our Fear: We will be forgotten.
"Jesus - Remember me."

I want to erase a lot of the things I have done. And forget them. Stop reaping the consequences. Stop living the pain. This is unrealistic. I want to overcome my mistakes. I want to heal my heart. I want to move on. I want to change. I need to change.

Is your love conditional? That's how I feel. I keep acting like I don't care. I keep judging. I keep hating. I keep spitting insults. I keep ripping people apart. I keep hurting. Myself. You. Everyone. I have stopped caring about people. I have lost me heart. Again.

Emmanuel = God With Us.
Me: "Rescue me God. Pull me out."
God: "Let me into your life now, where you are. And I'll help you through this."